Grey Street [dmb]

Oh look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out onto Grey St.
And she thinks...hey
How did I come to this
I dreamed myself thousand times around the world
But I can't get out of this place
There's an emptiness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together
To grey, and it breaks her heart

Oh how she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears He doesn't listen
There's still a hope in her He might
She says I pray
But they falls on deaf ears
Am I supposed to take it on myself
To get out of this place
There's a loneliness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now,
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together

It's grey, and it breaks her heart

There's a stranger speaks outside her door
Says take what you can from your dreams
Make them real as anything
It will take the work out of the courage
She says please
There's a crazy man creeping that's outside my door
I live on the corner of Grey Street
And the end of the world

Oh there's an emptiness insider her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now
It's more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her
Using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together
To grey
And it breaks her heart...Oh and it breaks her heart
To grey, Yeah...

Survivor Psalm

I have been victimized.

I was in a fight that was not a fair fight.

I did not ask for the fight.

I lost.

There is no shame in losing such fights.

I have reached the stage of survivor and am no longer a slave of victim status.

I look back with sadness rather than hate.

I look forward with hope rather than despair.

I may never forget, but I need not constantly remember.

I was a victim.

I am a survivor.

Would you be proud of the things they say?

The Dash

by Linda Ellis

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend

He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning to the end

He noted that first came her date of her birth
And spoke the following date with tears,

But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years

For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth.

And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not how much we own;
The cars, the house, the cash,

What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard.
Are there things you’d like to change?

For you never know how much time is left,
That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what’s true and real

And always try to understand
The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,
And show appreciation more

And love the people in our lives
Like we’ve never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,
And more often wear a smile

Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy is being read
With your life’s actions to rehash

Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?

© 1996 All Rights Reserved, Linda Ellis

Be content with what you have

Life is an adventure. I finished IOP at Turning Point, It was a good experience and I'm glad I did it and finished the program. Now I have a lot of time on my hands though, I'm so used to being insanely busy that when I actually have time I never know what to do with it. I still have court to deal with but they moved it back another 2 months so I just get to wait, lucky me. I highly suggest never getting involved in the court justice system, its a never ending experience, that is no fun. This will be my very last experience with court because I promised myself I'll never get in trouble again, and I mean that. I think I have seriously been dealing with court issues since 2007 and its now 2010. Once this last court issue is dealt with I am never getting another ticket or another run in with the police again. Its so not worth it, it never was. It took me a very long time to realize that when I would hang out with certain "friends" i'd always seem to get into trouble with the law. Took me getting arrest multiple times and going to jail for me to actually realize that, pretty sad. Luckily those people are out of my life and will be forever. Misery really does loves company, and sadly I was the company for those miserable people. But I got my life back and they are still drowning in their misery. I'm going on a Cruise with Ryan and his family, I really need the break, it will be nice to get away from all of this for 7 days. Theres only so much you can handle at a time, I get too overwhelmed if I think about everything I have to get done before the end of this year, but I will get it all done. I'm sick of having my past cling to me as I try to move forward. After this year it will all be left behind and I will no longer have to deal with it.

Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you. [Lao Tzu]

Lifehouse - Storm

This was played at IOP last night, It is a very powerful song.

[if you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it]

Life has been interesting. I just finished week 3 of IOP. It’s been life changing, I’m so glad I’m there, I wish other people would understand how much this is helping me and just support the things I am doing. I’m finally learning to be happy again, I’m finally realizing what issues are causing my problems. I finally understand new things about myself and others.

EMDR has been the best part; it really gets into your core issues. And apparently my core issues aren’t what I thought they were. But being aware of what they are now allows me to make changes in my life so that those stresses are affecting my life as little as possible. But by doing this I think its causes problems because some don’t understand. Which is fine, I’m happy and learning to lessen stress in my life.

School is supposed to start in 2 weeks; I haven’t decided what I’m doing for sure. I’m trying to do as much online as possible since I am working full time and doing IOP full time. My DMV court hearing is next week; I’m nervous but have a positive outlook about it. Then I have my Pre Trial hearing the week after. All I can do is hope for good things and positive thinking.

[if you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it]

Week 1: (July 26-30) What an exhausting week, but it was a great learning experience. I am in IOP for the next 7 weeks. Group Monday – Wednesday 6-9pm, One-on-One Wednesdays 9-10:15pm and Family Group 7-9pm on Thursdays. Add work on top of that and it’s a very long and tiring week. But I’m glad I am finally doing it. Soon I will be adding EMDR on Fridays, and then my week will be officially full. EMDR sounds so interesting I am very excited and nervous to start it. (www.emdr.com):

1. What is EMDR?
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a psychotherapy treatment that was originally designed to alleviate the distress associated with traumatic memories (Shapiro, 1989a, 1989b). Shapiro’s (2001) Adaptive Information Processing model posits that EMDR facilitates the accessing and processing of traumatic memories to bring these to an adaptive resolution. After successful treatment with EMDR, affective distress is relieved, negative beliefs are reformulated, and physiological arousal is reduced. During EMDR the client attends to emotionally disturbing material in brief sequential doses while simultaneously focusing on an external stimulus. Therapist directed lateral eye movements are the most commonly used external stimulus but a variety of other stimuli including hand-tapping and audio stimulation are often used (Shapiro, 1991). Shapiro (1995) hypothesizes that EMDR facilitates the accessing of the traumatic memory network, so that information processing is enhanced, with new associations forged between the traumatic memory and more adaptive memories or information. These new associations are thought to result in complete information processing, new learning, elimination of emotional distress, and development of cognitive insights. EMDR uses a three pronged protocol: (1) the past events that have laid the groundwork for dysfunction are processed, forging new associative links with adaptive information; (2) the current circumstances that elicit distress are targeted, and internal and external triggers are desensitized; (3) imaginal templates of future events are incorporated, to assist the client in acquiring the skills needed for adaptive functioning.

I moved back home on Saturday. It’s a good thing, I need to save up money and buy a new car since mine got totaled a little over a month ago in a car accident, my back is still hurting from it but hopefully Dr. Brady will get it to stop hurting.

Hopefully this week will be even better than last week; Change is a very interesting thing.

[Don't wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions. So what. Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident and more and more successful.]

365 Days

365 Days Project.

Starting: 5.10.2010
Ending: 5.10.2011

You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life. [Albert Camus]

OMNI:Minus The Bear

OMNI by MinustheBear